Marriage and Retirement

You love your spouse and you promised to spend the rest of your life with them. However, while you were both out working for the last 40 years or so, you mostly only saw them on evenings and weekends. Now you’re both retired and you can finally spend more time with one another. That’s great! It can also come with challenges though. 

Whether one person has been at home by themselves for a while and now they have to get used to their spouse being there all the time, or whether you both decided to retire around the same time, there’s definitely adjustments to make in your relationship when you retire.

Marriage Challenges in Retirement

Even the happiest and most stable couples can have challenges in retirement. Just because you have issues come up, it doesn’t necessarily mean that there’s a major problem with your marriage. It could likely just be that you’re having difficultly dealing with your new reality.

Too Much Time Together

Going from spending half of your day together to being around one another 24/7 can be a challenge. Everybody needs some alone time and their own personal space. When another person invades those boundaries, even by accident, this causes friction.

In addition, you and your spouse may have different ideas of how much time you should spend with one another. One person may want to be together almost all the time while the other might need more space. Neither opinion is wrong, but it is a possible challenge to navigate. 

Shifting Roles

When you were working, certain routines probably made sense. For instance, maybe the spouse who got home first every day also started dinner, while the spouse who got home later took out the garbage. Now that you’re both retired, these roles may not work.

One partner (or both) may start to feel resentful if they’re still the one making dinner every day, for instance, even though both of you are at home. 

Different Routines

Sometimes even the simplest things can cause friction. Perhaps, in retirement, your spouse wants to sleep in late every day, choosing to wake up at 10am. You, on the other hand, get up at 7. This isn’t necessarily a problem, but it could lead to you “waiting around” for your spouse to get up before you can have breakfast together, for example. Meanwhile, on the other side of the relationship, your spouse is annoyed that you’re pressuring them to wake up earlier. 

Loss of Purpose

Work gives you a sense of purpose and identity. You know who you are, what you do, and what it means. When you stop working, this changes. Some people feel lost or unsure of what they should be doing once they retire. This can cause mood swings or other difficulties that are tough for the marriage. 

Handling Marriage in Retirement

There are a lot of things you can do to ease the transition into retirement that can help your marriage. The first is communication.

Talk about your expectations for retirement as well as your concerns. If one person is continuing to work while the other retires, this can cause friction or resentment, so talk about these things openly before they start to fester. If you’re both going to be at home, come up with a plan for how you will spend your days.

Create personal space for yourselves. This doesn’t mean that you don’t want to see your partner, but it does mean that everyone needs time alone. This can be a sensitive topic for many people, so discuss it with care and respect. 

At the same time, talk about things you want to do together. Schedule date nights or plan activities that you both enjoy. This can be a great opportunity to discover some new hobbies and interests. If there’s an activity or a class you’ve always wanted to try, this is your chance! Not only can shared activities strengthen your marriage, but they can also help you socialize and find a sense of purpose.

Finally, be kind to one another and realize that this is a challenging time for both of you. Give each other some space as needed but also have empathy and support for each other as you enter this next phase of your life and your relationship. If you care for one another and are both dedicated to working together to have a great retirement, you’ll have a much more enjoyable time.