Keeping Friendships in Retirement

There are a lot of studies that show that men use socializing and friendship at work differently than most women. While women may form more close-knit friendships at work, men tend to use the workplace more for widespread socializing. Sometimes, this starts as “schmoozing” or bonding with men in position of power to move up the ladder. However, going out for drinks on a Friday night or playing a round of golf with a coworker or client may be “part of the job”, but they’re also ways to socialize. 

You might start by talking about the job, but it’s only natural to eventually start talking about other interests as well. This can be easier for men to do because, in general, they won’t be worried about seeming “flirty” or inappropriate when they’re talking with other men. 

You spend a lot of your day working. It’s only natural for you to form connections there. Sometimes this means having someone to discuss work problems with. Other times it’s just someone to complain about your day to. However, along the line, it’s common for coworkers and colleagues to form deeper friendships. 

Whether you have these deeper friendships or not, you still have people to speak to. When you retire from the workplace, you’re not just leaving the office or the job, you’re also leaving the people. 

This can be very tough, because it can be difficult for men to make friends. A New York Times article from 2022 says that many men are stuck in a “friendship recession.”  It quotes statistics that show that 15 percent of men say they have no close friends at all and that men are less likely than women to rely on their friends for support. For a lot of men, their workplace is their main social hub. When this is gone, so is their ability to socialize.

Challenges to Keeping Workplace Friendships After Retiring

However, you don’t necessarily need to start from scratch. It is possible to maintain your workplace friendships even after you leave the workplace. This takes effort on your part. The problem is that your workplace was what brought you together and kept you together. Even if, over the years, you’ve started talking more about your personal interests and your families than you talked about work, the shared space kept you physically together. You didn’t have to worry about where you would go or struggle to find a time that worked for all of you. You were together in the same place at the same time often. That made it easy to talk. Once you leave the workplace, you’ll have to arrange time to meet.

This can be tough. People are busy and it’s hard to find time to get together. Everyone needs to be willing to take time out of their lives to socialize. This is even harder to navigate around if people are at different stages in life. 

In the workplace, it’s not uncommon for a 60-year-old to regularly socialize with a 40-year-old and a 50-year-old. The difference is that, when the 60-year-old leaves the workforce, the other two are still there. The 50-year-old might be spending their evenings and weekends very differently than the 40-year-old, and both will have different lives than someone who is retired. This makes it hard to get everyone together at the same time. You’re asking them to take time away from their spouses or children or hobbies, which they likely already don’t have much time for due to work.

There is another issue when you’re retired and your friends are still at work. Not only is it harder to find time outside of work, but work becomes a natural stepping off point for socializing. For instance, two coworkers taking their lunch breaks at the same time often leads to them sitting together or going out for lunch with one another. In the same vein, it’s easy to go out for drinks or dinner on a Friday night when you’re all leaving the same place at the same time.

Overcoming these Challenges and Maintaining Friendships

Just because it’s more challenging, it doesn’t mean you can’t retain your friends and social contacts after you retire. That said, it does take effort.

As mentioned, you’ll need to arrange these gatherings as they won’t just happen on their own any longer. That means reaching out to your former coworkers and asking if they have time to hang out. A lot of men have trouble doing things like this, because you’re putting yourself out there and showing vulnerability. They might say no or they might not reply, and that can make it difficult. A lot of heterosexual men who are married are used to having their wife plan their social events. They’re used to her arranging gatherings and parties and dinners, and they aren’t comfortable with doing it themselves. 

However, maintaining friendships is important for your mental health. Just like you care about what you eat and how often you exercise, you should also care about maintaining your friendships. Don’t wait for them to contact you. If they’re still working, they’re likely quite busy and they might not take the time to send you an email or a text. Take the initiative and do it yourself. You don’t even necessarily have to start with asking them to meet up. Send them a meme or a news story that you think they’d be interested in. These casual interactions can help replace some of what was lost when you left the workforce and they’re a great way to keep in touch.

When you do see former coworkers in person, you might find it tough to find things to talk about. Even if your friendship has grown from “just work colleagues”, a lot of your conversations still revolve around work. If you go out with a couple of people who are still “in the trenches”, so to speak, it might be tough to come up with things to talk about that aren’t work. 

One solution is to find other things that you have in common. This could be your children, your taste in music, your hobbies, or just about anything else. You might even want to suggest other activities that you can do together. A lot of former coworkers go on to play a sport together or join a book club together or some other shared hobby. Men are often afraid to suggest any activity other than golf, drinks, or watching sports, but if you do, you’ll likely find it both fun and great for bonding.

If your workplace friends are now all retired as well, a new activity together can be even more helpful. A lot of seniors and recent retirees find themselves lacking purpose and goals in their lives outside of work. Getting together to do something different can be great not just for your social life, but also for your overall wellbeing. 

Having friendships is important. Talking to friends can lower anxiety, help you though difficult times, and reduce your risk of depression. Staying social also helps you maintain cognitive flexibility, which reduces your risk of memory issues later in life. While you likely won’t be able to keep all the friends you had when you were working, and while your social life won’t be identical to the way it was before, you can still have strong friendships and connections when you retire. It just might take a bit more effort and planning.